My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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