I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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