I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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