Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
