i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
