i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
