i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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