dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
