I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
