I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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