we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
