One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
