My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
