see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
