im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
