So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
