you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
