New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just pee around me
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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