At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
