the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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