I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
