It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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