If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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