Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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