good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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