Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
