Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
