i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
