By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Pooping to opera.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
