My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
