I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
