so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
