i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
