I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just gargled with NyQuil
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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