I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
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Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
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I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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