If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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