Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
