I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
