My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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