I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
