I wish I could teleport
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
