On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
