How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize