you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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