im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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