I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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