guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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