All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
