I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
