guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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