i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
