My room smells like vodka and shame
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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