My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
