people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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