Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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