Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
