You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
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