everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
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we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
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Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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